Not Enough

I’m having that feeling lately that what I’m doing is “not enough.” For years, I’ve worked to achieve this life. This degree. This job. But now, as I’ve finally gained what I thought that I wanted it is just not enough.

Since I was a kid, I have always known that I wanted to be a teacher. I have all of the qualities that I thought I needed : smarts, leadership, a love of children. I got my degree and started to work last year. Those first few months, it was a dream come true. I had great kids that I loved to teach every day. I came home each afternoon and thought about what a great day I’d had. I went to work feeling energetic and optimistic.

This year has been different from day one. The bad days outnumber the good. I leave work each day and almost dread facing the next day. I feel like I’m not making a difference. I wonder to myself almost daily, “Is this it?” Is this really what I’ve worked for so long to achieve? I know that every first year teacher probably has these same thoughts from time to time, but I’m discouraged. I wish I could go back and tell my college self to buck up, because it’s tough out here in the trenches. I am holding on to those little moments of grace that I experience each day, because they are what make this job enough for now.

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